Its been forever since I have updated this damn thing. And I am really not sure what to say.
There has been so much going on, a visit from my Mom. Then a trip home to help her through surgery and the first few days of recovery. Car repairs out of the blue that are soaring over 700.00 and a couch that wants to collapse under my massive weight. Storm clouds in my head that just won’t go away. A poison lightning strike in my soul that won’t give me peace.
And through it all I just keep trying to hide it and be strong enough to hold my shit together just one more day, one more hour, one more minute. I have a mother who loves me and that I love dearly. A mother that I wish like hell I could do something for to help her, something meaningful – and the best I can come up with is just trying to keep myself from falling apart all over the damn place because of my own shit and how worried I am for her. No matter how good she is doing, no matter how quick she is recovering it still scares the shit out of me. And I worry.
For my best friend I try to put the world on an even keel so that I can be the friend that she deserves, and still I go swerving off the deep end. I could spend a life time trying to make up these things to her and it wouldn’t be enough time.
For months now I have been writing, talking, and thinking about changes coming. A rumbling within, that burst of bottled down angst and emotion comes bursting through at the most bizarre and dumb moments. In ways I can’t control or predict. Sometimes tears, some times anger, sometimes pure joy. But usually just like this well spring of tears that comes surging through me from somewhere deep inside where no human is supposed to have tear ducts, ripping through me. And what does it come to… apparently My brain, my emotions and even my body is trying to tear me apart in different directions all at once and not at all. Some impending change…
Just one more day, one more hour, one more minute….
There are so many possibilities in the future for me and for all of us. But for some reason the numbers keep changing in front of me, and my number just keeps getting smaller. My hope is to have my gastric surgery first of the year insurance or not, to try and help me physically, and that at some point in the next few days or so I get the balls to actually try to find a doc to help me sort through my bullshit. I just can’t do that alone. Not anymore. Just one more thing for which I have no money.
I so fucking hate being broke. There are just so many things… Not even to be rich, just enough to be able to make payments on the surgery, to pay off my car to put just a little in savings. Is that so much to ask for? Is it? Really? Or maybe to even have an employer and insurance company that doesn’t classify obesity as a cosmetic issue with no actual medical correlation to other issues such as diabetes, heart disease, depression, back pain, carpal tunnel, sleep disorders, liver disease, etc… thats all just coincidence with no medical basis. Yeah right, so apparently the rest of the world is just a bunch of dip shits and the cable industry has figured out the truth of medicine for fat people. It is their speciality after all.
Just one more day, one more hour, one more minute….
I want to try so hard for the good that I know once existed somewhere inside, that I can still fake most days for at least periods at a time. But more and more the bitter, awful, hateful, spiteful, pain and rage inside is just burning up what is left of me and fighting to break through to destroy anything good i have accomplished.
Just one more day, one more hour, one more minute….
To my mother I must say I know if you read this – this post will bother you, And I am truly sorry I am. Because I don’t want to. All I want to do is to support you and be there for you. And to eliminate any worry you have for me. I wish I knew another way to express myself a more private way – but somehow if I don’t put this stuff out there somehow … it just never leaves me and stays inside. I wish I could be there to help you – I wish there was something I could do .. but I can’t. I can’t live in TN, but that means I can’t be there for you like I should be.
And for anyone else reading this, yeah… I dunno what else to say… time to go to sleep and pray my better angels shout down the demons. If only for a few hours peace…In the mean time I guess this will stay private. Im not sure I am ready for anyone but you few to see it, and really pretty damn sure its best if my mother doesn’t see it.
So what do ya think? Not nearly the together guy that appears so much in facade, or maybe I was only fooling me all these years…
Filed under: Life Lessons
Alex, if I’ve never said it before, I’ll say it now. Your writing is nothing short of beautiful. I love your transparency, honesty and how real you come through in your writing.
I can relate so much to how you’re feeling with the shit storm looming overhead. I swear the last few months I’ve felt Murphy’s Law following me, breathing down my neck. I’ve felt it in every possible aspect of my life, from my marriage, to my son, to my dogs, to my finances, my home, my family, my vehicle, my unemployment, the list goes on.
When you’ve reached your darkest moment of hopelessness and despair, please know that your inner strength is beyond anything you can imagine. I truly believe that the Man upstairs takes care of all of His children, and never gives us more than He knows we can handle. I believe that we are tested and challenged intentionally, to make us stronger and prepare us for the trials that lay ahead and the happiness that is to come.
I have you in my thoughts and prayers and am always here to lend a hand, a shoulder, or an ear if you need one.
Just to reiterate a point…your writing IS nothing short of beautiful. I have said it before and I’m happy to say it again. You have a gift, my friend.
You mentioned finding a doctor to help you work through the dark. Do it. And if you can’t relate or don’t connect with the first one, find another. Find someone you can trust to help you. And PunkRockChic makes a great point. You’ve got more strength in you than you have even begun to draw on yet. I know, that sounds like mounds of bullshit when you feel like you’re drowning under the weight of it all right now. You’re right, you are drowning, but you have strength enough left to swim to the surface again. You might need a little help. Friends and family and GOOD doctors and therapists are help to be had.
Blogging your inner thoughts and emotions as honestly as you do is amazing. I can’t tell you what an honor it is to be let in that far. Now that I can see inside, see the turmoil and pain you’re in, and still see what you’re able to accomplish every day…I cannot begin to imagine the your potential when you’re feeling strong! Go, Deacon, go! Seriously, my friend…you have talents you haven’t even touched. And that’s ok. First, you need to tend to other needs. Then look out world!
I love you…both as my sister’s son and a friend in your own right. Don’t sit up there and go through stuff alone. Get a good team behind you…and include your friends always.
Alex. I do not know what more I can add to what has already been said. You are a very special person, to me… to many others. You have been there for me when I needed someone. You have given me the courage to go on even when I thought tomorrow would never come. I don’t have all the answers and I’m in no way at the “top of the world” or where I think I should be at this point in my life. But one thing I am sure of is that if you need me and want to talk, I’m here. I’ve known you long enough to understand and read you better than you think, and we have talked before about concerns and feelings that we have in our lives. Email me, message me, call me… I may be in TN but still here for you. I know and understand your concerns for your mother, I’ve been there and been through that… and with her recent surgery in December, sometimes know that she is at an age where I will always worry now. You do what I do so much of the time… hide from your feelings and worrys. I have the tendency to put things in the back of my mind or don’t give myself the time to think about things and thus only make it harder to deal with when it all gets piled up the way I let it do. And by the time I feel like it’s time to let these emotions and thoughts come to light and actually try to cope with them… there are so many things I’ve ran from that I get buried in an avalanche of pain, frustration, and heartache. It’s not healthy, it’s not good or helpful… but it is the way that you and I tend to deal with things and to be able to show a strong front to those we love and are around us. Why? Because we think we have to be the tough one to carry everyone through. Well we can’t always be that. I’ve learned that to some degree. I still don’t “let it all hang out” and I still hold a lot in… but, just as was commented above… you need your own support group and friends. You can’t hold up the weight of life and all it’s burdens alone. You know who your closest friends are, the one’s you can confide in, the one’s you can be you with. Take advantage of that… we are not going to think any less of you, WE LOVE YOU and gladly welcome any part of your life you want to open up to us and share. We may not always have the answer or know what to say… but we WILL listen. Wish I were closer… I miss you.
John
PRC – Thank you for your kindness and support. I really appreciate it. At some point I will make this post totally visible. But for now I have limited it to just a few people. People that I know will understand that these posts are NOT for soliciting sympathy but a means of just expressing the emotions within. So I must just say thank you for your kind words and support.
HeartSong – The thing with my blog posts and as deep as I let people in I still don’t and won’t let people truly all the way in – as much as I want to and wish I could. Its just too much of a place that even i don’t want to visit. I am hoping that with the help of a professional I may be able to deal with those demons much better. It’s been so long since I have felt “strong” I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
John – I am glad that I have been able to be there for you over the years. Sometimes I wonder just how useful I am as a friend to people. All I know to do is to just try. To try my best. I think you are very right in that we are very similar in how we deal with things and for the same reasons. One day we might learn. maybe…
Thanks guys love ya!
Alex, You know I love you more deeply than life itself and always will. I guess Eileen said it best this week…….you like I sometimes are only fooling yourself…..give yourself the best gift you could give yourself…….a great therapist, a great relationship, and honesty! The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life but the best thing! You know I’m always there with you no matter how far away. I love you until the ends of this earth and beyond. And regardless of what you might think having you in my life whether swerving down the road sideways or going straight you are the BEST thing that has EVER happened to me and continue to be! I love always!!
I love you so much – thank you for your support and care. I don’t know what I would do without it. But I do know where I would be. And that is not here today.
And as shocked as I am, I know you will be also. I am scared to death but I am going. The doc’s here I come. But if she just stares at me Im gonna call and stare at you lol