Dea©onBluesBlog.com

I don’t know how I’m supposed to face the people I work with again… Having had a 3 day total meltdown of biploar mess fueled by anxiety on so many levels I can’t even begin to explain.

From throwing up for the last 3 days, to sitting in my training group shaking like a recovering addict in withdrawals. To outright crying and not being able to move to run away or hide it. Right there in front of half my department and my supervisor…

Being asked if I needed to leave by one of our Senior Managers (who I know was just trying to help and be kind) and me having to try to explain that I just need to get it done and over with and not drag out the anxiety of it all anymore. Trying to explain WHY I’m falling apart like a house of cards in a windstorm. It’s impossible to explain to someone who has no real world point of reference with Bi-Polar disorder, and social anxiety issues, not to mention having just realized you’ve developed issues with being in large crowds.

To say that messing with a persons sleep schedule who has bi-polar is like setting a house on fire, and then adding public speaking and social anxiety issues is like throwing jet fuel on the house fire… well it’s apt.. but if they have no personal real world point of reference, surely it just sounds like an excuse of a fool…

Now how am I supposed to ever face the people I work with again? They were so kind and concerned, and I appreciate it. I truly do, but I’m just so embarrassed beyond belief. I’ve not even looked in a mirror in the last now 4 days because of this. Add to that leadership including MY direct supervisor, and our director and one of the managers…

Yeah, it’s embarrassing enough on it’s own.. but now if I ever apply for another job I’m going to have to go completely out of our division and pray that it wasn’t discussed with any of the people from the other side of our business…

So yeah, I passed the training after having to go and do it in private and half assed – all the while shaking uncontrollably… But I also probably just sealed my fate in this company.

I’m now the crazy weepy guy that gets so emotionally destroyed that he can’t even eat… How am I ever supposed to live this down, let alone look anyone in the face again? They all just saw first hand about 70% of how screwed up I am… I’m starting to think that therapy and meds may not be enough… I probably should just be committed for my own safety and to not make the people around me uncomfortable.

I know part of this is the bipolar talking cause I’m in a nose dive after all of this… but I really wish I could just vanish and fade out of site and memory.

And I’m supposed to somehow muster the courage to somehow, someday, meet someone that might care about me more than as a friend…?? How could I ever impose my mountain of disaster onto someone kind enough to care. I’d feel guilty every day… Hell.. I feel guilty now…

How do I go back to anything resembling a normal life??

I don’t know why I’m even posting this. I suppose to just get it out of my head, but also likely as a way for me to MAYBE leave a note for people that wonder why I’m likely going to be so emotionally shut down the next time they see me.

Or maybe it’s just one more way I can seal the deal with my public humiliation and my own twisted feeling that I deserve the looks and whispers that may or may not be happening…

DB

Filed under: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot aka WTF